tonight's moon phase is a waxing crescent, which is the phase after new moon. i was driving home and, considering how the moon and sun rise in the west, got a great view of the yellow moon.

as much as i've complained about driving in the past, i actually really enjoy driving at night. sure, there's scary moments like stupid drivers and deer, but overall, it's pretty nice.

car time is great for just chilling and decompressing, i like to listen to music and sing along (when i do know the lyrics), watch the car lights in the distance.

it does really suck when someone with lights brighter than the sun is directly behind me or right behind my blind spot, since then they end up blinding me through my mirrors. LEDs are kind of an L.

i know i said i'd try to be better about posting, and i haven't, and i do apologize for that. both to my dear readers and to myself.

i've been having this really fun cycle of feeling slightly okay, getting back into my hobbies a little bit, and then begin to tumble down the hill of executive dysfunction.

it's a bit like sisyphus and his boulder. i get a pretty good start, and things are going pretty well, and then all it takes is one little ledge to trip on and my boulder goes rolling back down the mountain, and all i can do is chase after it and fall.

a never-ending cycle of trial and failure, y'know? i'm sure there's a better metaphor out there, but i quite enjoy the greek mythos ones.

but yeah, if it's not evident from the existence of this post, i've been doing slightly better.

the last couple weeks have been really rough with stress and depression piling up, and having to fight with the adhd. it's a little silly actually, it's been worse to deal with since i've begun to actually acknowledge it.

not to say that it wasn't bad before, i've always really struggled with getting work started and finding the motivation to do stuff, but geez. it's been a real doozy.

took a calc 3 test last thursday, i think it went pretty well. me and tar crammed for a solid 3-4 hours beforehand, and in the hour leading up, i just repeatedly wrote out all of the equations i could possibly need.

it worked out great for me! i went into that test pretty confident, and i think that confidence was justified. i answered every question as best as i could, with the exception of 7, a bonus question for extra credit.

i could not, for the life of me, understand how to deal with it.

what was the problem with this question, one might be wondering?

it had the natural number e, my mortal enemy. my nemesis. i absolutely HATE the natural number e.

i love pi, it's a great number, 3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841971... i love pi. it's a constant, so anytime that you see it in a thing you need to derive or integrate, easy to deal with!

integrating? pull it out to the front, it's a constant! derivatives? it's just a number, so you derive it like anything an integer! simple!

e? the natural number? it pains me so. e^x derives into e^x, and if integrating e^x, what results? e^x + C.

that's really cool, and really lovely, but anytime i see it, my brain just cannot handle it. same with trig, but that's been a little easier recently. most times when trig shows up, the answer is either not horribly complex, or it cancels out.

anyways, despite that one success, i've had a lot of lows. major struggles to start work, crying over physics because it's physics, not wanting to write my college essay.

i actually ended up writing an entire 762 word essay on friday night. my original topic was gonna be on how significant computers have been in my life, but it really wasn't working out. tar told me i should write about community challenge, so i did, and i slayed honestly.

my english teacher now gets to read it and try to figure out how to cut 50-100 words so i can edit it a bit further to a final version.

and guess what? all of this effort is to apply to one college, umbc, as a backup plan in case i don't get accepted into a dutch school. the odds of getting in for me and for tar are pretty solid, so we'll just have to see i guess ;}

okay so in the middle of writing this (at this point in the writing), i started pondering what i could write next and suddenly realized i hadn't done my calculus homework for this week and just spent a solid 100 minutes panicking and trying to finish it.

i got it done and i'm turning it in as i type this out, but fucking seriously, my phone must hate me or something :{

i have an iphone and i typically use the notes app to scan documents. they turn out pretty okay, but my biggest issue is that when i finish scanning something, it takes 7 years "preparing..." the document to be saved anywhere, and it's super fucking annoying. sometimes it even crashes randomly, when i'm trying to save a document or scan a new one.

i'll need to review the entirety of these 3 sections, but oh well.

i was actually on a roll with writing this and was enjoying my weekend until all of this, so i'm gonna wrap this up.

i was trying to fix my vpn to make it automatically fix itself when my pi 5 restarts, but in doing that, i completely broke it :(

tar was trying to help me fix it, and in the process, i completely uninstalled pivpn and tried to install just straight up wireguard, which failed, and now not only is my vpn broken, but also my website just randomly stopped working.

it might be working now, it might not be, but that's another thing i have to do and all of the motivation i had in my body has now drained out of me.

forgetting the calculus homework was me tripping on a ledge, and fighting the packets and my notes app was the boulder rolling down the mountain and crushing me under it.

don't forget to do homework is the message here i guess.

_______________________________
/ \ \.
| | |.
\_ | not the cat's meow, |.
| ____ ____ |.
| / ) ( \ |.
| / ( ^_^ ) \ |.
| | { \('v')/ } | |.
| ~~~| { / \ } |~~~ |.
| |_)( /\ /\ )(_| |.
| |) (_ | \|/ |_) (| |.
| ' "__^^^^__" ' |.
| meverett |.
| |.
| ___________________________|__
| | |.
\_/_____________________________/.